Who is your girlfriend?
by johnpatgillespie
Summary: After an incident involving Eret and a tree, Ruffnut falls in love with Hiccup. And this is only made worse when Valka, not knowing of Hiccup and Astrid's relationship, gives Ruffnut and Hiccup her blessing, with imminent disaster soon to follow. Post-HTTYD2 One-shot. Slight spoilers. Contains Hiccstrid. Now with surprise cameo! Reviews will be greatly appreciated. Thank you


"I'm sorry, Ruffnut. But you're six years too young, and you're a nutter!" Eret complained as he rebuffed Ruffnut's advances for the fiftieth time that day.

"Ruff, will you just leave Eret alone" Hiccup said. Now he understood why being chief of Berk was so hard for his father considering what the twins were like.

"It's not my fault he's so damn hot!" Ruffnut objected as she wrapped her arms around Eret's waist, Skullcrusher trying to pull her away from his master (with Grump applying some help too). Finally, thanks to some help from Toothless, the new alpha dragon, Ruff was dragged away from Eret and placed up in a tree.

"That's it, Eret, Son of Eret. I've moved on from you" Ruff said before the branch she was in broke, sending her crashing to the ground, Hiccup unintentionally breaking her fall in the process. When she saw who it was that had "saved" her, she hugged Hiccup and kissed him on the cheek, saying "thanks cutie". It seemed as though she had found another boy to obsess over and it was none other than the chief of Berk himself.

Perched next to the statue of her late husband, Stoick, Valka had witnessed this happening, and, not knowing of her son's relationship with Astrid, said "aw, did you see that, Cloudjumper. My wee Hiccup has finally got himself a girlfriend. I may be a grandmother sooner than we thought"

Later that day, Astrid was feeding her dragon, Stormfly, when Ruffnut came over and said "hey Astrid"

"Oh hi Ruff, what's up?"

"Eret and I broke up" Ruffnut said.

"You guys were actually dating?" Astrid asked, slightly confused.

"But it's okay. After all, I'm in love with someone else"

"Who? Snotlout" Astrid asked. Ruffnut shook her head.

"Fishlegs?" Ruffnut once again shook her head. "You can't be in love with Tuffnut, he's your brother!"

"But, also. I overheard Valka just now" Ruffnut lied, although she didn't know she was telling the truth at this point.

"Oh yeah, what did she say?"

"She said she doesn't approve of you and Hiccup being together" Ruffnut answered, trying to look sympathetic.

But Astrid simply said "well, that doesn't bother me"

"What? But Valka said th-

"Come on Ruff. We're Vikings. You have to have an occupational hazard somewhere. Even in relationships. I'll go talk to Valka now. Unlike Drago, she can be reasoned with. I'll just change her mind. Easy as that"

"Astrid, I don't think you'll be able to do that" Ruffnut said, grabbing a shovel once Astrid turned her back.

"Well, why not" Astrid responded, turning to face Ruffnut, only to receive a wallop to the face from the shovel, her face leaving dents in the metal.

While she was briefly stunned, Ruffnut put Astrid in a stable with a metal door and locked her in, saying "oh and by the way, I'm in love with your-or should I say-my boyfriend now, see you round, Astrid."

"Ruffnut!" Astrid shouted angrily as she pounded on the locked door until her fists bled, and then trying to cut dents in the door with an axe she had found there. "When I get out of here, boy will you be lucky. Most people only get to have two boots, but you'll have an extra one. Right up your-

Ruffnut decided to put her fingers in her ears in order to avoid hearing the rest of Astrid's rants, as she went to the great hall to try and steal Hiccup for herself.

That night, in the great hall, the Vikings of Berk were paying their respects to their former chief, Stoick the Vast, who had been killed in battle with Drago Bludvist not a month beforehand.

"A toast, to Stoick. A great leader, and a good man" Gobber said as he raised his drink, as all the other villagers raised theirs and said "to Stoick". Hiccup sat at a table where he thought about that day. The day when Drago's Bewilderbeast had killed his mother's, and had ordered Toothless to kill him. And how his father had pushed him out of the way just in time to take the shot himself. Just then Eret entered the room and sat at a table nervously. Hiccup was curious enough to ask "hey Eret. You okay?"

"Oh yeah. I'm fine. I'm just waiting for this blind date Tuffnut set me up with. She's a bit late I might add."

"Oh really. What's her name?"

"You know, I can't bloody remember. I think it's something like um...Hetty or Harriet.

"Well good luck" Hiccup said before returning to mourning his father again.

"Hello son" Valka said as she sat next to Hiccup.

"Hi Mom" Hiccup responded.

"So, you never told me that you have a girlfriend"

Hiccup then realised that his mother was right, he never had told her about him and Astrid.

"Oh my Gods, Mom. I completely forgot."

"Oh aye, just like your father. But still I canny believe you have a girlfriend"

"Oh yeah, see. It's that girl As-

"I always knew that Thorston lass would be perfect for you. Ever since her parents showed me her when she were but a wee baby. And then I thought to me self. She'd be perfect for my Hiccup she would. And that brother of hers could do with a wee bit more intelligence but still, nice enough in-laws if I do say so me self"

"Wait. What?"

"Ye know. Ruffnut Thorston. Your girlfriend."

"Ruffnut. Girlfriend?"

"Oh aye, dunny bother denyin' it. I saw you two love birds today. She was attacking that Eret lad and Skullcrusher put her up in that tree, and you went to save her. Oh, to be young, wild and have your father by my side again. so romantic."

"Yeah, well. See Mom. Ruffnut is n-

"Hi honey" Ruffnut said as she ran over and sat on Hiccup's lap, resting directly on his crotch, trying to get in an almost sexual position, one that made Hiccup _very_ uncomfortable.

"Oh, hello Ruffnut. Hiccup over here was just telling me about your little relationship"

"Oh, he was. Aw, I'm so proud of you honey. You finally told her" Ruffnut said, as Hiccup whispered "where's Astrid?"

"She's dead. She said I could have you" Ruffnut lied. Meanwhile, a hand slipped out of the metal stable and picked the lock on the outside, before Astrid kicked the door down and stormed up to the great hall.

"So. Any ideas on when can I expect to see some grandchildren" Valka asked, which caused Hiccup to go red. _This day could not get any worse_ he thought.

"Oh, you know, once my darling Hiccup over here decides to show me his unclassified dragon, and then we'll be right on it, although we're both so thrilled that we could get your blessing for ou-

"RUFFNUT!" Astrid screamed in anger as she stormed up to the trio.

"Oh Astrid. I'm so glad you're not dead" Hiccup said sarcastically, looking at Ruffnut.

"Oh, hello, Astrid. Ruffnut and Hiccup over here just asked me for my blessing. Isn't that grand" Valka said naively.

"Can it Val! You better shut that fucking mouth before I shut it for you!" Astrid snapped angrily as she grabbed Valka's staff and snapped it in half. "I don't care if you don't accept me and Hiccup, cause I've come here for one reason and one reason only: to kick this backstabbing boyfriend stealer's ass!"

Astrid then grabbed Ruffnut by the hair and threw her through a door, following her in the process. _I stand corrected_ Hiccup thought as he followed them. Ruffnut picked herself up and clicked her knuckles into place. "Okay, you little bitch" she said. "You want to fuck with me? Let's go!" before they both charged their attacks. Hiccup ran over to the two girls to split them apart, but it was all for naught as the two were already busy rolling on the floor punching and clawing each other to death, Valka beginning to enjoy the show as she watched.

Astrid pinned Ruffnut on her back before Ruffnut scratched her across the face, blinding Astrid with her own blood. Once she had recovered, Astrid had quickly managed to grab Ruffnut by the arm and kick her in the deltoid, temporarily paralysing Ruffnut's arm.

Ruffnut grabbed a shard of glass and slashed Astrid across the face, leaving a trail of blood to drip from her cheek to her neck.

"Ha ha. That's my future daughter in law!" Valka said, fully supporting Ruffnut.

Astrid grabbed Ruffnut by the waist and threw her in the opposite direction, attempting to body-slam her former friend but instead receiving a hard kick to the stomach.

Ruffnut pulled Astrid's hair with all the strength she had, when Astrid had finally freed herself Ruff was left holding two large clumps of blonde hair. Astrid and Ruffnut ended up on the floor again, with the latter's face eventually being buried in a pile of dirt, apparently giving Astrid the victory.

But once Astrid's back was turned, Ruff grabbed a stone with her one good arm and tossed it at Astrid's skull, knocking her to the floor and allowing Ruffnut to grab her by the ears and headbutt her. Astrid turned the tables on Ruff and threw her head against a stone, slamming a fist hard into her face every five seconds.

"Come on now, Hiccup. Do something!" Valka ordered.

"Yeah, I don't think Astrid needs much help, Mom"

"Aye, and she's currently beating your girlfriend to a pulp. Now d-

"FOR GODS' SAKE MOM! RUFFNUT IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!" Hiccup shouted, loud enough for Astrid and Ruffnut to hear, and momentarily cease their fighting.

"What?" Valka said. "But, if Ruffnut's not your girlfriend, then who is?"

"ASTRID IS MY GIRLFRIEND! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU ALL NIGHT!"

Astrid dropped Ruffnut in the sand and kissed Hiccup, every corner of her face bloodied to the point of it even dripping onto Hiccup's face.

"I love you, Astrid" he said.

Astrid was on the verge of tears. "I love you too Hiccup. And I don't care if you don't accept it" she said stubbornly to Valka. "Hiccup and I love each other. And we also want to have kids as soon as possible"

"Oh my dears" Valka said, hugging them both. "I'm so sorry for this whole misunderstanding. I'm proud to call you my daughter Astrid, and I couldn't be prouder to give you my blessing."

"You hear that, lads" Eret shouted. "A toast to the 'appy couple!"

When suddenly, an ear piercing shriek filled the air as Astrid turned to see Ruffnut charging towards her with a pen knife in hand. But before Ruffnut could do Astrid any harm, she was struck to the floor as a fist slammed into her face. Astrid saw her savior, though none of them were expecting to see this person again. "Heather?"

"Hi Astrid" Heather said as she squeezed the hand that she had hit Ruffnut with. "What are you doing here?" Hiccup asked, Heather answering "I'm here for a blind date with this guy I've been writing to for the last month. I think his name's Eli or something"

"It's actually Eret" the dragon trapper said as he walked up to her. Heather held Eret's hand as they walked towards Eret's new house, Eret saying "come my dear. Why don't I show you my battle scars?"

As they watched the two leave, Hiccup said "so, where were we?" as he grabbed Astrid and pulled her in for a long, deep kiss, Valka using her spare staff to cover Cloudjumper's eyes while this happened.

Meanwhile, a battered and bloodied Ruffnut looked up to see Astrid with her prize, and said "aw, what am I gonna do now?"

"You know. I'm always available" Snotlout said from behind her. Ruffnut responded to this by simply punching him in the face. She'd had enough crap today already.


End file.
